wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
