I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
