So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
