My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
