The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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