Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
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