Don't make out with my wife yet
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
