I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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