dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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