I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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