I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
