you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need moral support for this bender
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
