i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They took my balls.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
