I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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