I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize