Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
