Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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