she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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