so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
