i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
