I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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