Quick, to the slutcave!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
