My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
