wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize