I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize