I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
