As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
