The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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