the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Even my vagina gasped.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
