Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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