apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
