I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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