We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
