I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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