bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
