Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
