New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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