if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
