somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
