He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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