Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
