I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize