I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
