I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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