i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
