I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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