i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
