Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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