During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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