I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Vodka?
Forever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
