I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
