Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
