Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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