I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
