I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
