Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
