Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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