After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
