She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
